Clever...

I feel.... content again. It's nice.

I finally quit my job, after two weeks in america mulling it over. I realized one of several things, but the most important is that doing this particular job isn't worth the effects it has had on my sleep. I have been so anxiety ridden the last few days before I left that I couldn't sleep and had to rely on valium or alcohol to relax my muscles.

The tightness in my chest transported me quickly back to a time when I had just entered nursing school, realized quickly that it wasn't for me, and felt so stuck and doomed. I didn't want to be a nurse, and I especially didn't want to deal with the assholes that ran the program at good ole' spoon river college in Macomb. I would still piss in their cheerios if I had the chance. I used to go to the Cafe (local macomb house of ill repute) until odd hours of the morning and drink myself into a stupor, until I could no longer give proper acquiescence to my thoughts and then walk home dreading the next morning's routine. I showed up bleary eyed for exams, shaggy haired and unshowered. My professors probably thought I was up all night studying, especially when I did relatively well on tests. I was good under pressure, but only for a limited amount of time.

I went through the exact same motions with this job. I started out full of spunk, ready to take on every task they handed me...unfortunately I realized quickly that everything about this particular place and the people who inhabited it on a daily basis made me exceedingly nervous. I quickly became frustrated by the lack of communication, the constant preaching of "professionalism" coming from two people that were in no way professional themselves, and the need to blame at an unstoppable pace...I had my downfalls too. I was expected so much that I lost sight of what I wanted to do there. I accepted tasks whole heartedly but found I couldn't complete them under the duress of everything else on my plate. I discovered quickly that I am not good under pressure for long periods of time.

The extra money was nice while it lasted, but I will just pick up some extra private lessons to make up for what I miss...which won't be the lack of free time from now on!

Honestly, I feel better about everything. The world is looking up again for the first time in a few months, and while it might seem like a short time to most, I can honestly say it was the longest 4 months of my life.

I had a good time in America...more about that later.
Happy Saturday